Thinking Of You
by Godless Girl
Summary: He told her to move on. She couldn't. She never would. Because how could she forget him, when he owned her. Mind, body, and soul. Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or Thinking of You. Rated M for later chapters.
1. The End

_Based off the song Thinking of you By Katy Perry_

* * *

It was a late September night, the air was chilly but enough so a young auburn-haired girl would only need a thin cardigan to keep warm. Canada's weather was considerably warm for this part of the year, but Clare Edwards wasn't complaining as her feet shuffled across the cement sidewalk. Beside her was young boy, though his whole aura screamed _bad boy_ while Clare's was subtle and _saintly_. His jeans sagged, a rip marking his right pant leg while his red plaid boxers hung out the jeans and under the deep green hoodie over his black tee. Her white and blue floral print dress with a blue cardigan contrasted greatly to the boy's grungy appearance.

The whole night, Clare was wondering why she agreed to go on a date, with him of all people. Her mind said she needed to move on, like _he_ told her to. But in reality, she needed a distraction for the empty, dreary house of hers. The one her parents neglect to visit, the one her friends refuse to go to because it's so cold and bland, the house Clare now calls a prison.

Because everything in it reminds her of him. The deep jade comforter on her twin sized bed, the numerous shirts she had 'borrowed' from him, the pictures pinned to her board. She kept them all, maybe because she was crazy. She sure as hell felt like it, always wearing one of his shirts at night because it felt like he was there. Holding her, strong arm wrapped around her tiny waist as they slept. His scent faded into nothing, just a mere stale smell of what once was his intoxicating aroma.

"This was fun." Fitz broke her train of thought, and Clare realized they arrived at her house.

"Oh...uh...yeah. I had a great time." Clare lied, her tone sweet and endearing - _all lies_.

"Great. Maybe there could be a date two?" Fitz prodded, a smirk on his lips.

Clare resisted the urge to shiver, that smirk so similar yet so wrong to be on his face. She smiled and gave a slight nod, looking up at him while holding onto the false smile. Fitz's eyes gleamed in the light that was on, next to her door so she wouldn't kill herself by falling_ up_ her steps. His body leaned towards her, and Clare felt her stomach sink.

His lips touched hers, and Clare's body went rigid. Her eyes closed, and instead of Fitz's rough, dry lips, they were soft and tender. Behind closed eyes, Clare saw green eyes boring into hers while a tentative tongue brushed her bottom lip. All too suddenly, the boy she loved disappeared, and her eyes opened to see Fitz standing upright.

"I'll see you around?" He asked with a goofy smile, and Clare nodded stiffly before turning quickly rushing up the steps to her house.

Those words caused a pang in her heart, the heart that was already broken and shattered. Her vision blurred as fresh tears emerged, some falling onto the steps in front of her house as she struggled to put her key into the lock. But after many failed attempts, the key slipped in and Clare entered the prison she once called home.

Clare never moved out of her house once she graduated, her parents let her live in it while she attended college, Eli being one year ahead of her already. Unfortunately, his parents didn't save entirely enough money for him to attend freely, so like any desperate for money boy, Eli joined the army. Of course she objected to the idea off the bat, knowing that once he was finished with college, he'd have to leave right after. And four years seemed too short of time for her, for them to be together.

Time after time, Eli assured her that he would be alright, that once his tour was over, they'd be married with three kids in a small picket fence house; Clare teaching while Eli wrote for the Toronto newspaper. And she believed him up until the day he had to leave, in her gut she knew that this was the last time. Their last '_I love you_'s, their last embrace, their last moment together. Burned and etched and committed to her memory, not a second was lost from Clare's perspective.

* * *

_"I love you," Clare whispered into the crook of Eli's neck._

_His arms tightened around her shoulder's, while her tiny hands clutched the back of his shirt. A sob escaped her, and Eli felt tears prick his eyes. He buried his face into her curls, breathing in deeply, taking in the smell of lilies and sweet pea. He was going to miss that, so much. Both should of felt uncomfortable, his arms too tight around her, her nails digging into his flesh through his shirt, and both in such a loving embrace in public._

_'__**Gate 243, now bo**__**arding.**' Was announced through the airport, and Clare sobbed._

_"I love you, Clare Edwards. With all of my heart. And I promise that I **will **come back, and you **will** be my wife. And we **will** grow old together." Eli murmured in her ear, kissing her cheek before pulling back to look at her one last time._

_His hand came up, placing it gently on her cheek, which was flushed and stained with tears. Eli leaned in tentatively, pressing his lips firmly against hers, trying to convey his feelings through it. Clare wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him furiously, both their lips moving furiously together. Clare never wanted to let go, because she knew if she did, she'd lose him forever._

* * *

Clare felt her tears rush faster down her cheeks as she stared at the table next to the door, locked on the unopened envelope, addressed to _Clare Edwards_. The sender? Canadian Armed Forces. She knew what was in the envelope, though she hoped differently, she knew. Because next to it was an opened letter, addressed to Clare Edwards. The sender, you may ask? Private Elijah Goldsworthy.

She remembers every word by heart, each syllable tearing her heart away piece by piece. The worn paper has stains, darker shades of the pale yellow paper with Eli's scribbled writing. And she knew. From the day he left, Clare knew what was going to happen. Maybe if she had begged harder, plead with her heart on her sleeve, he might have stayed. But he was gone, forever.

* * *

_Dear Clare,_

_I remember the day I met you, and I realize now that it was probably the biggest mistake that whatever holder of Fate could have made. On your part. For me, it was a blessing. A blessing in disguise, a beautiful and smart and amazing disguise. You changed my life, and for that, I'm grateful. So unbelievably grateful to have spent six amazing years with you. And now, as I'm lying on a cot in the middle of the desert, I realize how selfish it was for me to have let us be. Because no matter how much I promised myself that I wouldn't hurt you, like I did Julia, I already did. _

_ I'm not coming back, Clare. I can't tell you why, I don't want to risk you being involved with. Which is why I'm writing this. To tell you that you need to let me go. To forget me, and move on. Please, do this for me. Forget the past six years, forget everything you know that involves me. Just remove me completely from your memory. Because I'm not coming back. Not because I want to, but because I know I won't._

_ You can hate me. You can resent me. You can do whatever you want with the memory of me. As long as you move on. But if you were to remember me at all, remember me as the boy who loved you, and always will._

_Forever yours,_

_Elijah Goldsworthy_

_

* * *

_With a sudden rush of anger, Clare screamed. Like the day she fell for Eli. Which made her scream again. Throwing the letter onto the ground and stomping on it vigorously, angry tears falling down and splashing onto the floor. She hated him. She resented him. She loathed him. Her heart belonged to him, and he never gave it back. But he took his. He left her all alone, to fend for herself in a cruel world.

Clare sighed in defeat and fell against the cold wood of her door, sliding until she on her butt, legs curled up to her chest. That night, things changed for her. For the better, or the worse, she wasn't sure. But she snapped. Over and over she cursed him, the boy she loved. Repeating the words with venom.

_I hate him. I resent him. I loathe him._

_I love him._


	2. Cleansing

_In case any of you are confused, this is nine years after Eli and Clare first met. Which means Clare's 25, and Eli's 26._

_Don't forget to review :)_

* * *

The next day, Clare threw out everything in her house that reminded her of Eli. The jade comforter, the pictures, the tee shirts...even the letter. And finally, _finally_, she opened the envelope from the Canadian Armed Forces. And, as she suspected, the letter confirmed her suspicions. He was MIA, it said. Which was dated back five months. No doubt he had died; and even though Clare hated him, her heart ached at the thought.

But she pushed away the now empty feeling in her chest, and continued on her cleaning rampage. She even called Alli to help her, who wanted to commemorator the moment with a night out. And Clare was more than happy to oblige. It had been six months since Eli had told her to forget, and tonight, she'd do just that. Forget him, forget everything that was him, and just be.

...₪...

"Alli, is this really necessary?" Clare questioned, lifting an eyebrow as her petite friend stared a bonfire.

"Yes. Adam did it to forget Gracie, right?" Alli commented.

"Well, yeah...but..." The curly-haired girl looked down at the box holding what was Eli.

"Let's get started." Alli said, after successfully starting the fire, much to the Clare's surprise. "And don't act so surprise. Just because I prefer stilettos over steel-toed boots doesn't mean I can't start a fire."

"Whatever. Let's get this over with." Clare stated and picked up a pile of photos with her and Eli in them.

Her hand extended towards the large fire, and she opened her hand. Or she tried. Very hard. But try as she might, her fingers wouldn't loosen. Quickly, she brought the pictures to her chest, clutching them as her head went back and her eyes closed. Now she knew how Eli felt, with his hoarding, like she was losing a part of herself. _A part of Eli_. No. She had to do this.

With that, she extended her arm and dropped the pile, the fire licking up the photos like a hungry beast. Clare moved her head forward and opened her eyes, watching photos of her and her once love dissolving into nothing. Suddenly a gust of window blew and the fire reached out towards the girls legs. Alli squealed and ran behind Clare, because she was wearing a skirt and Clare decided on plain jeans. But Clare yelped as the fire just touched her pants, causing a black stain to form on the shins of the pants.

"Shit." She cursed, brushing her hand across them.

As she bent down, her eyes caught a glimpse of white flapping under the toe of her ballet flats. Curious, she grabbed it, realizing it was a photo. The back read, '_Together Forever, 2015_' and her stomach did a twist. She flipped the picture over and felt her eyes prick with tears. It had been Eli and her fifth anniversary; which they spent at the beach for the weekend.

They stopped a bystander to take a picture of them on a led, just as the sun was setting. Eli and Clare had a halo behind them, ranging from a light yellow, to deep orange, to a light pinkish purple. His green eyes shone, his hair being whipped by the small breeze from the water. And he wore her favorite Dead Hand shirt, which was in the box beside her. In the picture, she wore a simple white dress over her bikini - God only knew how Eli convinced her into it. But she looked stunning, nonetheless. It was the day Eli had proposed to her, and she couldn't have been more thrilled.

Now, one may ask? She was sad. She was torn, indefinitely, her body yearned to save the ashy remains of the captured moments of her and Eli's love. But her mind held her back, reminding herself of what he did to her. Of what he told her. The photo burned her hand for more than the fire before her could, but she didn't dare part with it. No matter how much Eli had hurt, she knew if this picture burned with the rest of his belongings, he'd be gone. Forever.

"Keep it." Alli said, snapping Clare out of her daze.

"What?" Was her brilliant reply.

Alli looked at the photo, then to Clare's eyes, and then to the fire that begged to be fed. Wood snapped and crackled in the flame, seemingly mesmerizing Clare's petite friend. "Keep it. He was so much a part of your life, you may regret not keeping something to remind you of him, because I know you're not truly ready to accept the fact that he's gone."

It was moments like these that proved that Alli was gifted, that her mind wasn't completely consumed by clothes and men and all the frivolous things she always fretted about. Alli had depths that Clare barely comprehended, mainly due to the fact that her friends disguised her unbelievably ability to put at ease all doubts her friend had. Though she wasn't so lucky with handling her chaos of a life.

"Thanks." Clare muttered, before pocketing the photo in her jeans.

"Now," Alli clapped her hands together, "let's start with those heinous emo clothes."

"Alli." Clare warned, weary eyes glancing the the suddenly shallow girl.

"What? His clothing style was so morbid, his lifestyle was morbid. I mean, a hearse? Which you still have yet to get rid of." Alli commented, earning a glare from her friend.

"I'm giving him to Eli's parents, I can't just drive it to the dump." Clare said, while bending down to pick up the shirts she had stolen from her love.

"You could, but I understand. They mustn't have much but old photos from him." Alli sympathetic voice was muffled by a poof of fire as her friend dropped one shirt after another into the fire.

"Just help me burn the rest of this stuff." Was all Clare said, afraid that if she spoke anymore, Alli would notice the sadness and heartache creeping into her as the shirts burned and shriveled.

* * *

_Sorry for taking so long to update._

_Wasted my time on a guy who wasn't worth it,_

_but I'm here with a lot more updates :)_


	3. Forgetting

_Miss me? Wow, I haven't updated in FOREVER. But that's gonna change. I have some fun ideas for this story. Sad, too. Hope you like it._

_And there will be lemons if you want, tell me in the reviews if I should change my rating and add some naughty situations to this story._

Alli smiled gleefully at me when I stepped out of the bathroom, wearing the outfit she picked out for me. Surprisingly, I didn't look slutty, as per usual were Alli's choice of clothing. It was made of a silvery blue silk material that slipped on me like air; the middle of the dress had a black silk ribbon with a small flower made of the same material. The neck line plunged dangerously low, but enough to be considered decent as was the bottom of the dress that reached just below the middle of my thigh. My hair was curled into ringlets and my make-up was light, no matter how much Alli begged me, I would not have her do my make-up. God knows she has enough for three people.

"You look great, Clare. Seriously stunning," Alli commented with a broad smile. "But these black heels will top the whole thing off perfectly."

"Alli! Those heels are higher than what you're wearing. I am NOT wearing those." Clare barked, crossing her arms over the almost-too-low-cut dress.

"They're perfect for that dress and you know it. Plus it's not like you can wear flats with that. Dresses of this kind require actual heels. Now hurry, we don't wanna be out too late, we _do_have work in the morning." Were Alli's wise words, of course I knew I couldn't stay out late.

As it was, I had been on the brink of losing my job at Degrassi Community School as their new English teacher and Creative Writing fill-in. What with the drama of my...no I wouldn't think of him. No more. Never. This was it. I shook my head of any thought about him and strode over to Alli and grabbed the sky-high heels.

I rolled my eyes after standing with the heels on, I was at the very least four inches taller. But I had to admit, as I examined myself in the full length mirror on my closet door, I looked incredibly hot. Alli agreed and handed me a silver clutch before leading me out of the room and towards the front door.

Alli followed behind me and went to the passenger side to my Prius – yeah, say what you want, this car has lasted me for almost forever. I climbed into the driver's side, put the keys in the emission and started it.

We pulled off the curb and towards the highway; although I had no clue where we were going to go. Alli said she'd take care of it, and was just giving me directions. Eventually we parked on the curb in downtown Toronto, and walked five blocks until we reached the club. Unfortunately, we got catcalls the whole walk towards the club, one gross and drunken man tried to grope me, which ended him receiving a vicious spray of my pepper spray.

"We came all the way here, getting harassed along the way, just to go to this dumb club!" I whined, as we got in line, crossing my arms defiantly.

"You're the one who needed to get out, stop complaining and live a little." My dark-skinned friend commented; before stepping up to the usher who allowed us both in.

I felt uneasy, since we had to walk up three steep staircases, then down a long hallway until we got to the end where two large doors stood.

Once in there, I started to feel a lot better. The music was fast and pulsated through me, the strobe lights reflected off my dress and made it shimmer. I was in awe of how amazing this place looked; it wasn't at all as trashy as I thought it'd be.

The place was huge, the ceiling at least twenty feet high. The floor was black marble with a bar in the middle of the room, which had frosted glass along the sides with lights glowing within it. Tall tables were scattered along the walls, which matched the walls on the bar.

People clustered and most danced in the wide tiled floor between the bar and the stage where the DJ played the heavy music. Lights flashed and danced across the room, reflecting off sheer clothing and the frosted glass of the walls.

We strutted over to the bar, earning a few winks and comments along the way. There were two bartenders, both busy, but one managed to make his way over to us. He flipped his blonde hair and flashed a smile, his teeth pearly white and wide.

"What can I get you ladies?" He asked, winking at both Alli and myself.

I felt a blush crawl up my cheeks as he stared at me after Alli ordered a martini, "Uh…I'll have a shot of tequila."

"Well, well. Didn't take you for that type, but alright." He chuckled before walking over to the middle counter where the variety of alcohol was held to get Alli's drink together.

"Clare!" Alli squeaked at me.

"What! That's the only alcohol I know! You know, aside from wine and champagne. Besides, you told me to live a little," I winked at her before grabbing the shot glass the bartender just gave me.

"To…" Alli started as she lifted her glass.

"A new beginning." I finished.

The music in the club was intense, the beat was deep and fast, vibrating every part of my body. I felt alive as the music flowed into my body and took over every movement of my body. Alli was dancing with me, swaying her hips as she took occasional sips from her margarita. I had about ten shots of tequila and a glass a yager, numbing my mind and let instinct to take over.

I hadn't notice the man behind me. I didn't notice his hands gripping my waist. I didn't notice his lips on my neck. I didn't notice his hand slip under the hem of my dress. All of it was a blur, and suddenly, I wasn't with Alli and I wasn't in the club.

Instead, I was in an open spaced apartment that seemed really familiar. But I didn't pay attention to that. I was more involved with the man kissing me aggressively; his lips were rough and chapped.

But I was so intoxicated, and I craved this intimacy that I've been so depraved of. So I slipped my hands to the back of the stranger's neck and crushed his lips to mine. I moaned when my back made contact with the apartment wall.

His tongue slipped into my mouth, his hands working on the buttons on the back of the dress. I pushed my hips up to his, and a loud moan left his mouth and into mine. The silky dress slipped down my body and revealed the black strapless bra and matching panties underneath.

"You're gorgeous." He said, those were the first words he spoke to me.

And everything went black.

I groaned, rolling away from the sudden bright sunlight that glared in my face. My stomach was churning and my head felt like someone was smashing a rock against it repeatedly. I let out a low moan of pain, the churning in my stomach increasing, and I clutched my abdomen as I slipped off the bed and stumbled through the room to find my bathroom.

I found the door, opened it, only to find a large closet. I groaned and placed a hand over my mouth, quickly looking around the room for somewhere to throw up.

"Hey, hey, the bathrooms over there." Said a deep voice, and I was pulled into a painfully bright room. But I saw the toilet and lunged for it as my stomach released the contents into the once pearly white bowl.

My hair was pulled back by the stranger as I continuously threw up yesterday's food. Unfortunately, my stomach emptied, and I started dry-heaving. I had never drank so much in my life, and as of right now, I swear I will never drink again.

Once my dry-heaves stopped, I leaned back into the arms of the stranger. He was strong; I'd give him that, because he picked me up gingerly and sat me somewhere. I numbly heard water running and barely felt how the stranger easily picked me up and put me somewhere warm.

"You wash up. There are towels on the sink and I put an extra set of clothes on the bed. I'm going to make us some breakfast." Said the stranger; I nodded and finally looked him in the face.

"…K.C.?"

I didn't want to get out of the tub. Mainly for two reasons; the water was incredibly warm and my body loved the feeling, the other more obvious reason, was I did not want to face K.C. and I did not want to discuss what happened last night.

I know we slept together, that was obvious since I woke up naked in his bed. And I didn't want to have him think that we could get back together. I mean, after Jenna gave the baby up for adoption, they broke up. Almost immediately, he came after me. Which never settled well with…well, you know.

So this…was not good. Not good, at all. As the water cooled slightly, I knew I better wash up, and I took a bar of soap to wash my body. After rinsing it off, I scrubbed my hair and dunked my whole head and body underwater.

When I resurfaced, I took note of the large bathroom. I was in the tub, which was rather large, in the already big bathroom. It was tiled, of course, with pale brown tiles and the walls had the same except with intricate patterns. The tub was white with a square outside, the same tile as the floor, and had a shiny silver faucet.

There was a shower separate, all glass and next to the tub, it was frosted and had a sliding door. On the other side of the room was a large double sink with a huge mirror over top on one side of the door, the other had a toilet with a ledge for privacy I guessed.

I suddenly remembered that K.C. had become a renowned football player, so of course his apartment was lavish. I shook my head and realized why the apartment had been so familiar; I saw it in a magazine doing an interview of his home. _Best of Canada_, it read.

With the water now completely cold, I stood, the sound of water sliding down into the tub below echoed in the large space. I stepped over and out, onto the plush mat that absorbed the water and I walked over to the sink to get the towels.

I dried my hair, wrapped it, and proceeded to dry the rest of my body. I glanced in the mirror and noticed how horrible I looked, even after that amazing bath.

It didn't matter; I didn't have anyone to look good for, especially not K.C. so I just walked into the bedroom and rolled my eyes at how cliché it looked.

Pale blue walls, all matching dark mahogany furniture – from the gigantic dresser to the simple desk and the intricately designed bed. The covers to the king sized bed was black, the pillow lined with silver. On it was boxers and a large white button-up.

I got angry but swallowed it and put on the clothes; they smelled like him, not that I cared. I put them on and went back into the bathroom to fix my hair, my head was still pounding so I searched through the drawers until I found Tylenol and took four, sipping out of one of the cups on the sink.

I left the bathroom, and the bedroom. The hallway wasn't that long and I found the obvious way to the kitchen where the smell of eggs and hash browns made its way to my nose. Suddenly my stomach gurgled and I quickened my footsteps.

I emerged into a strangely familiar kitchen, and recognized it as looking like Fiona Coyne's old loft's kitchen. Except there was an actual table, and the kitchen did lead to a large living room – larger than Fiona's – but the kitchen was up on a ledge and had steps down to the living room. A white leather 'L' shaped couch and matching plush white leather chairs sat in the living room, a mahogany coffee table in the middle.

On the wall opposite to the kitchen was a mahogany entertainment system and plasma television, which was currently playing a football game – figures.

"Morning, beautiful." Smiled K.C. and I shivered at the all too similar tone and phrase that…he used to say.

"We need to talk," I said while walking to the counter where he was preparing our plates.

"I know," he mumbled as he looked down.

He sure grew up, facial hair appeared around his mouth and jaw, just a shadow. Which made him look good; wait, did I just think that? I shook my head, somewhat wet curls clinging to my cheek. I stared at his broad bare chest, muscles well defined and a very noticeable happy trail disappearing into his pajama pants which were dropping off his hips, the 'Love triangle' very prominent as well.

I bit my lip; I had just slept with this god- what? I need to stop. I glanced up to see a slight smile appear on his lips. His gorgeous dark eyes were hidden beneath his shaggy hair – again, I need to stop.

"See something you like, if you're up for it, we can go another round." He winked and a blush crawled up, "god I missed that. I used to make you blush all the time; it's adorable."

"No. Not gonna happen. That's why I wanted to talk to you. I…I just can-"

"What about last night? I thought I made you happy; and this morning, even now, I'm making breakfast for us." He sighed, and then looked away. "I know… that we don't have the best history. But I've changed, Clare. I grew up; I don't care about sex or looks – although you're absolutely stunning. Just…can you give me a second chance?"

The whole time he spoke, he walked around the counter and towards me, and the last part, he gripped my hands. His eyes were so sincere, and he was such wonderful distraction from…him.

"K.C. I… I don't know what to say." I said truthfully.

"Say that we'll go out tonight, please." He said, and I looked away before snapping my head up.

"Shit! Where are my clothes?" I frantically ran away, terrified that I was late for my _job_.

"Clare! What's wrong?" K.C. asked with a hint of desperation.

"It's Monday, I have work!" I cried and burst into the bedroom.

"Tell me you'll go out with me tonight and I'll give you your clothes back." He stated and I twisted my head to face him with an awestruck face.

"What?" Was my genius reply.

"Just say yes."

"K.C.!"

"Was that a yes?"

"Fine; but this is, like, blackmail."

"Your purse in on the kitchen table and I had Alli bring you clothes. She's kinda mad you ditched her. The clothes are on the dresser." He chuckled and I glared.

"If I already had clothes, why did you have me wear yours?" I asked while crossing the room to see a large bag and opened it to see a black high waisted skirt and pale pink blouse with a pair of plain black heels.

"Because I wanted to see you in my clothes. You look good." K.C. laughed and came up behind me to wrap his arms around my waist.

"You're pushing it, Gol-Gutherie." I felt my heart tense up at the almost slip up, and my eyes started to hurt.

"I know," he kissed the back of my neck while taking a big smell of my hair, ending in a sigh. "But it'll be worth it, I promise. When you're done, I'll have my chauffer drive you to Degrassi. Your car is already there."

"That isn't necessary, I ca-"

"Nonsense, you're in downtown Toronto. And no cabs. Now get dressed." He said while letting me go with one last kiss to my neck. "I'll have breakfast ready; hey, why don't we meet up at the Dot instead of dinner tonight. And we can go out Friday."

"Someone's getting ahead of himself," I said while unbuttoning my top.

"No, I just want to make this work." He gave me a wide smile when he finally shut the door.

"Bye!" K.C. kissed my cheek before sending me off to the school in his town car.

I looked through my phone, seeing I had ten texts – six from Alli, four from Adam. And five calls, all from Alli. I decided to give her a call while clutching my thermos of coffee, I'd definitely need it for later.

"You. Are. In. Soooo much trouble." Was said after one ring.

"Don't kill me." I stated and opened my briefcase that Alli had also brought.

"Oh, I will do much worse. And what were you doing with K.C. of all people?" She shrieked; I rolled my eyes.

"I left with him last night. Alli, I was so drunk that I didn't even know who he was." Trying to excuse my behavior made me seem like a whore, total backfire.

"That's lovely, so since you didn't even know who the hell he was at the time permits you to leaving _me_ drunk off my ass at the club. With no cab fare; I had to call Adam!" She shrieked and I gave a sigh.

"Is that why he called?" I asked and glanced out the window to see I was nearing Degrassi.

"He called? Well, I don't know why he would but he picked me up even though he was supposed to be with Emilia and the kids tonight!" I cringed and felt my heart drop; I've been such a nuisance lately.

"I'm sorry." Was my pathetic reply.

"Don't apologize to me, call him, and see what he wanted too." Alli ordered and I nodded, then felt stupid after realizing she couldn't _see_ me.

"Alright, well I'm at Degrassi, coffee tomorrow?" I asked and heard a frustrated sigh.

"Dot; 12 o'clock. And we'll talk about Mr. Guthrie at this coffee date as well." I heard her playful laugh on the other end and knew she calmed down.

"Sure thing; bye!" I said and closed my phone before she could continue.

I jumped out of the town car and ran up the steps of Degrassi, briefcase in hand as well as my purse. I went into the Office to talk to Principal Sheppard Junior – yeah, and he's worse than his father.

"Sorry I'm late; but this is the last time. I swear. Dock all the pay you want." I begged when I walked into his office to see him conversing with the Superintendent.

"Oh, heh, hello." I laughed nervously as I was met face to face with…Wesley?

"Wesley? You're the Superintendent?" I asked and cocked my head.

"Yes, new actually. I worked under him and was promoted when he retired last week. It's good to see you!" He gave me an awkward hug which I responded to feebly.

"Yes, well, what's this I hear about the last time? You've been late before?" He asked and I felt my cheeks blush.

"Well it's a long story…about Eli…an-" Shep Junior cut me off.

"This is the ninth time since the past two months. I'm sorry, Miss Edwards bu-" Wesley cut him off.

"Cut her some slack, this will be _the_ last unexcused time you'll be late, right Miss Edwards?" Wesley asked and I stammered until I replied with a feebly yes.

"Well, we still have some things to discuss, have the Secretary excuse Edwards' Sub and she'll get right into work."

"Thank you, Wesley!" I smiled and hugged him again as I left the office.

"Wesley, if I ma-" Wesley cut off the Principal with a stern look.

"She's a great teacher, and I'm sure this will be the last time. Now as we were, the budget for the science department is horrendous, and the athletic department is getting seventy percent of the budget. That's going to change, I assure you." Wesley voice started to fade as I left the office and down the hallway and towards my classroom.

My phone rang and I checked it quickly before entering the classroom; '_Can't wait to see you for lunch_ – KC'

"What have you gotten yourself into?" I asked myself with a exhausted sigh.


	4. Loss

_To explain the letter - Eli thought it was a mistake that they met because he knew he was going to hurt_

_her like Julia. So yeah. _

_Just to warn the few people who read and reviewed...that kinda hurt my pride that not a lot of people reviewed..._

_but I'm not a frequent updater so I dunno when my next updates will be - could be tomorrow, could be a week from now. Just sayin'_

_And I actually ended up crying when I was writing this :( but I'm a sap so that just might be why._

* * *

"No, Erika, Shakespeare was not illiterate. He made up most of the words we use today." I rolled my eyes; I wasn't one to get annoyed easily, I had a lot of patience and tolerance, but Erika was so…hopelessly stupid at times.

"But-"

"No but's, now as I was saying, Shakespeare was a brilliant writer. He wrote a lot of famous works like Hamlet, or the star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet. And as I was telling Erika, a lot of the words we use today were actually made up by him." I lectured, pacing the classroom and glancing at the students, noticing one was hiding something under his des – texting I guessed. "Nathaniel. Hand it over."

"It's Nate, Ms. Edwards," Nathaniel Maroux commented, "And I wasn't even using it."

"Well if you aren't using it, then you don't need it until the end of class." I smirked; Nathaniel rolled his hazel eyes and with a sigh of annoyance, handed over his cell phone.

"Thank you," I said and took the device before walking towards my desk and placing it in the top drawer. "I hope the rest of you put them away, English might not be your favorite subject, but I don't think you'd like to repeat my class. So I'd pay attention if I were you."

The class started muttering, clearly annoyed, although the class suck -p raised her hand. Sydney Francette – Junior Class President, GPA of 4.7, straight A student, a part in practically every club there is. She was short and had a pixie style haircut, the contrast from her pale blonde hair and deeply tanned skin was just fitting for her personality.

"Yes, Sydney?" I asked, envying her spark of curiosity – how I wished I was that young and naïve.

"What plays are we going to reading?" She asked; her notebook open, pen ready.

"Well that's up to you, actually. You will have to pick from all of Shakespeare's play yourselves. You'll have all semester to read, write your essay, and make an interpretation of the play – it can be a scene, maybe two. I talked with the Visual Communications department and they'll let you borrow a camera to use for the interpretation."

The class made a simultaneous groan, which I was sort of surprised at how in sync they were sometimes. I started writing some of Shakespeare's more popular plays – like Hamlet, Romeo & Juliet, or MacBeth. I also listed Julius Caesar, Othello, and Anthony & Cleopatra.

"Pick your play, I have copies of each play, and you will borrow them. By the end of the semester they are to be returned – if you don't each book costs thirty dollars. And I don't think you'll want that." I said and turned back around.

"Uh, Ms. Edwards, I haven't heard of any of these plays except Romeo & Juliet." Said Erika and twirled a strand of bleached hair in her manicured finger.

"Then read Romeo and Juliet, Erika." I stated, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.

"Oh, that's a good idea." She chirped, "But I don't know if I can do the interpretation. I have Spirit Squad, and Homecoming, too. I don't think I'll have time."

"The interpretation is worth half your grade, if you don't do it, you grade will lose fifty points. Which means you'll fail the whole assignment, which is worth twenty-five percent of your class grade. So find time, or you may not pass this class." I said as I sat at my desk as students came up to get their books.

I heard Erika mumble some incoherent profanities and I rolled my eyes this time. Girls like her; though a teacher should never be prejudice, always expect things to be handed to them. But in my class, they have to work for it.

The bell rang and I stood abruptly, "For those of you who haven't decided on a play, you'll have tomorrow to research it. We'll go to the computer lab and you can choose one."

I sighed as the left the class, lunchtime had arrived, which meant I had to meet K.C. at the Dot. Another sigh and I pushed myself from my seat to get my coat and purse. I walked out of the room, locking it in the process, and then turned to walk down the school's hallway towards the entrance.

"Uh, Ms. Edwards, you didn't give me my phone back." Nathaniel commented as we walked down the hall side by side.

"Oh, uh, right. Hold on." I turned abruptly, annoyed I had to go back just to give the kid back his phone.

After retrieving it, I relocked the room and held out the phone. "If I see it again in my classroom, you'll be getting an afterschool with me, you hear?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." He stated and went to grab it, but I pulled my hand back and held it over my shoulder.

"Not whatever, with that attitude, you'll get detention with Principal Sheppard." I snapped and gave him the slim device.

I huffed and made my way down Degrassi's hallways again, walking faster because I was already late. I pulled out my own cell phone as I went to my car and figured I'd call Adam before I left. I went through my contacts and found him, a warm smile appearing on my face as I looked at the picture I put with the contact. We had been celebrating his birthday the year before, and Adam got smashed in the face with the cake. Those were happier times; ones I wish didn't have to end.

Pressing send, I put the phone to my ear and opened the door to my car. It rang until it reached his voicemail answered – which was weird because Adam always answered his phone.

I hung up and put down the phone in the cup holder, then rummaged in my purse for the keys, found them and put them in the ignition and starting it. I backed up and started out of the parking lot, the radio was on low and I changed it to my favorite station, playing a familiar song from when I was younger.

As I sang to it completely off key, my cell phone rang, and I grabbed it. I peeked and saw it was Adam, so I turned the music down and answered.

"Hey, Adam, what did you need last night?" I asked with one hand on the wheel.

"Clare…I don't know…I can't even…It's…its Bullfrog. Clare…he passed away." Adam stuttered, and as he made out the last words I jerked my car to a stop, earning angry honks from the people behind me.

"He…he died?" I questioned hoarsely, I felt my eyes begin to water, and my throat close up.

"A heart attack; I was damn sure he'd last forever, but he didn't. Clare…you have to come to CeCe's. She wants to see you." Adam sounded choked up, and I felt myself ready to crack.

"I…I'll be right there." I said and hung up, but dialed the school's number.

"Degrassi Community School –Press one for main office, press two for guidance, press three plus extension for any specific room." Said an automated voice and I pressed one.

"Main office, Mrs. Noble speaking." Said the sweet secretary, her first name was Rosie, and she was just about the nicest woman there. Over fifty years as a secretary, she was a great grandmother, she had five of them – some of whom stay with her during vacation. We've become good friends, even though there is a huge age gap between us.

"Hey, Rosie, it's Clare." I said, my voice coming out hoarsely.

"Oh, Clare, sweetie, what's the matter?" Her concern evident in her tone,

"It's…a family member has passed. I need you to get a sub for my next three classes." I choked on a sob and Rosie shushed me.

"No problem, Clare. I'll tell Shep and I'm sure you can get a few days off." She said sweetly; a smile formed on my lips and I thanked her before saying good-bye.

After that, I called K.C. to cancel, he questioned why I sounded like I was crying but I dismissed it and told him I'd call him later tonight. I sighed shakily and turned my phone off, putting it in the cup holder before staring blankly at the road before me.

Today had been gorgeous, but, suddenly, the sky turned grey and I felt the air shift through the open window in my car. It grew thick, and there was a sudden flash of lightning in the distance, followed by a clap of thunder. As if the sky had been torn, the lightning and thunder being the tear, it started to pour once I stopped in front of the Goldsworthy Residence.

I sat there, thinking, as the pitter-patter of rain nulled out the world around me. With a deep sigh, I gripped the steering wheel tightly and screamed as another clap of thunder rolled by. After the divorce, after my father ran away, Bullfrog became the new father figure, especially when I would stay the night with Eli. And hearing that he had died, that tore me more than any rift in the sky.

Once the heavy flow of tears ceased, I took a deep breath and opened the door to my car. The rain felt cool against my flushed cheeks, each drop pouring on my face washed away the sticky, salty trail of tears. I reveled in it, savoring the peace, for a moment there was no death or problems or sorrow or reality. It was just me, and the rain, and peace.

Maybe if I looked around me, if I hadn't been so involved with my momentary freedom, I would've noticed the dark figure standing across the road, in the pouring rain. Just standing, just watching, just waiting.

But when I finally came back to reality, and I peered around me, there was nothing but empty streets with growing puddles.

* * *

"CeCe?" I called while opening the door; I had knocked, and even rang the doorbell, but no one answered.

"Clare?" I heard a feeble voice.

"Where are you?" I asked and closed the door behind me.

"Kitchen." The voice was nothing like the usually perky CeCe; it was dull and almost lifeless.

I took off my soaked coat and heels, shaking my hair to get it to stop dripping. I walked from the front hall to the living room, adjoined to it was the dining area, and between where the table was, and the couch, was a doorway to the kitchen.

For some reason, I was nervous; I hadn't actually talked to either Bullfrog or CeCe since I got the letter from Eli. And I knew that once I saw her, she'd just confirm that he was gone, and that we'd end up talking about Eli. I don't know if I'm even ready for Eli.

But I sucked up my fears and walked to the swinging door, pressing my rain drenched hand against the faded painted door. Now or never.

I pushed, it swung open, and there she was. Sitting on the breakfast table, a glass of scotch placed in front of her. Her once blonde hair was turning fairer, the color fading away like everything else in her life.

"He's gone, sweetie. Damn bastard died! First my baby boy, now him. What did I do? To deserve this? To lose everyone I loved so quickly? We were going to grow old together, watch as our son started a life of his own, and watch our grandchild grow. But they're both gone. And now…Now I'm alone. What did I ever do to deserve this?" CeCe spat venomously, and I cringed at the harsh tone.

She took her glass and shot back, gulping the beverage fast. When she finished, CeCe slammed the glass on the table, the smacking sound echoing through the house.

"CeCe…I don't know what to say." I lied, I knew what I wanted to say, to do. I wanted to weep with her; I wanted to relapse into my depressed state.

But I couldn't – I wouldn't. As much as I loved Eli, I couldn't go back to that state of sorrow. So I took a deep breath, I'd grieve for Bullfrog, but I would stay strong. For CeCe.

"You…Clare…you're all I have left…" CeCe cried and I rushed forward and hugged her tightly from behind as she sobbed.

"I'm here for you, I won't leave, I promise." I felt my heart ache, this was just too much.

"Don't leave me. Please, don't leave." She sobbed uncontrollably and I couldn't help but cry with her – I really was all she had left. Only child, parents deceased, son dead, husband…dead.

I felt my control slip away with each heavy sob ripping from the poor woman's throat, a familiar pain wrapped its grimy fingers around me and I broke down with her, grieving in the loss of another Goldsworthy.


	5. Too Late

_So yeah, this chapter was hard to write because it made me sad :/_

_And it took me forever to write, and of course I did it in a car on my laptop lol_

_Well...enjoy!_

_And review, I like those._

_I like pickles too, but I don't think you care._

* * *

I canceled my date with K.C. on Friday – instead, I'd be going to the funeral of Travis Markus Goldsworthy. CeCe was a wreck, as was I until I realized that now I had to be the savior. So I calmed down, and also calmed down CeCe enough so all she was doing was sniffling with occasional tears. I told her to pack a bag and she'd spend the night – or however long she liked – at my house.

She did as told; in the meantime, I took the kettle on the stove and filled it with water to make tea. I was pulling out a mug from a high cupboard when I heard a loud bang from upstairs.

I quickly discarded the mug, bolting across the kitchen and threw the swinging door. There was another loud thump, and I ran through the space between the living room and dining room the staircase just off from the front hallway.

The bangs and thumps grew louder and more frequent; the sound of glass shattering got my heart to beat frantically. Once I reached the top of the stairs, I heard loud screams and crying – and I knew what happened. It got to CeCe, because I felt the same way and did the same thing.

In a hurry, I kept opening doors until I reached hers, and saw that picture frames and bedside lamps were broken and shattered on the ground. The sheets on the bed were ripped and torn, as were the pillows, the fluffy cushion within ripped and fluttering everywhere. Sitting on the edge on the bed, in the middle of the chaos, was a heartbroken CeCe who was holding a picture frame with care.

Her fingers caressed the photo, tears falling down her ruby red cheeks. The sight was heartbreaking, something out of a movie maybe. The way she looked, her expression that of someone who's lost everything, the rain only added to the effect. It was sorrowful and morbid, how the lightening darkened and brightened just the right features on the aged woman to make her look almost as bad as she felt.

"CeCe…" I mumbled; the woman stayed motionless.

Cautiously, I walked towards her, not wanting to startle her. Once I reached her side, I placed a hand on her stiff shoulder. She still didn't move. I glanced at the photo she was staring at with such love and my breath caught.

There, was the love of my life with his parents, and I was even in it. It was the summer before my third year in college, and we were celebrating Bullfrog and CeCe's anniversary. Those were happier days, and the sight of the picture made my eyes burn with more tears.

"I remember that day, it was wonderful, really. You out did yourself, sweetie. And I had so much hope when I watched you and Eli, the way you would look at each other adoringly. Like you were sixteen again and nothing in the world mattered but your love. It reminded me of how Bullfrog and I were." CeCe spoke, and I didn't like the tone she used, it sounded empty. Void of emotion.

"Oh, CeCe." I choked up, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

"But then Eli died, and now Bullfrog. Nothing lasts forever." CeCe said her voice still cold and a bit harsh.

"Don't be like that. Don't give up." I tried pleading with her.

"What is there to give up? I've lost my child, I've lost my husband. I don't have any other family than them. And now they're both gone." I shook my head and kneeled down beside her, grasping her arm.

"You have me, CeCe. I'm not going anywhere. I promise. Just don't get lost in this, don't give up. Bullfrog wouldn't want that and you know it. He'd want you to live your life until it was time for you to join him. So don't grow bitter, don't give up on life." I soothed, my eyes pleading and staring at her expression.

A flash of lightening light up the room as CeCe turned to look at me. I almost felt afraid, with the way she looked at me. I saw no hope, no life, nothing. The color seemed to disappear as well. And I felt the hopelessness seep into her as we stared into each other's eyes. And that's when I knew that I wouldn't be able to save her.

"Leave." She said, I shook my head feeling tears falling.

"No. Not when you're like this. I won't." I said, my voice cracked in the middle, my resolve starting to break.

"I don't need your pity. Go. You and I both know that I have no reason to live anymore. There's no debating. As soon as my husband was pronounced dead, I knew that this was it." She said, but her expression softened as she looked at me. "You are a wonderful girl, Clare. I'm not going to burden you with my issues. With this. So go."

"No!"

"Go, Clare. There's nothing you can do to change my mind." CeCe took he arm from my grip and pet the side of my hair. "You're like the daughter I never got. And if you were mine, I'd be honored to have such a wonderful woman as my daughter."

"I'm not leaving. I won't let you do it." I cried.

"Would you rather me suffer like you did with Eli? I have no friends, no will! I don't think I'd last much longer even if I wanted to."

"CeCe-"

"I'm not asking you to go, I'm telling you." She stood, pulling me with her.

"Don't do this." I cried and clutched the sleeves of her arm.

"Good-bye, Clare." Without my knowledge, I ended up at the doorway to her room. She had pried her arms from my grip and shut the door in my face. I went for the doorknob but it was locked so I banged on it fiercely, crying her name, begging her.

The storm picked up and I could hear it howling outside, I could see the light from a flash of lightening, and as thunder rolled and reached my ears, so did a loud bang that sounded like a gunshot.

"CeCe!" I wailed, fists pounding on the door.

But it was too late. She was gone.

* * *

I never felt so alone and sad as I do now. CeCe had killed herself; Bullfrog had died, as Eli had. The Goldsworthy's were no more and I felt a terrible rift form in my chest. It was all my fault that CeCe died, I was there, I tried but I guess I didn't put in enough effort. Her blood is on my hands, forever.

I had called the cops after my futile attempt to get the door open, and they busted down the door. I didn't go in. I knew if I did, I'd lose it. I couldn't save her, I couldn't save Eli, I couldn't even save myself from the pain I felt from losing just Eli.

I was weak, I was pathetic. I was nothing. If I was stronger, I would've saved CeCe, I would've found a way to keep Eli out of the war. But I didn't. I couldn't. Because I was weak, I had no will, I was – and always will be – pathetically weak.

I looked around me, and saw that I had made it home finally, after hours at the police office being interrogated. Of course I had to be, someone committed suicide and I was in the house. So naturally, I had to give them the full story.

I don't even remember what I told them, I just remember being there. The room was awfully bright, trying to seem cheery even though the room was used to break people to spill their secrets.

I kicked off my heels and dumped my purse and coat on the couch, trudging up the stairs to my room. I didn't turn the lights on, just stripped to my undergarments and slipped in bed.

Obviously I wasn't going to sleep, I couldn't. Because when I closed my eyes, I saw CeCe's broken expression, I saw Eli's beautiful face, and I saw myself for the pathetic being I was. I kept my eyes open as long as possible, staring out into the darkness of my room.

Unfortunately, it was still raining, so the soft thrum of rain soothed me and sleep washed over my body. Another misfortune was I didn't slip into unconsciousness. Sure, everything was black for a while, but then I saw them again.

This time, I was actually dreaming, and I was in the middle of complete blackness. A spotlight hit me, only showing the ground beneath me. Then, another spotlight appeared. The person in it was the holder of my heart, Eli.

Beside him was another spotlight, with CeCe. Eli wore his soldier's uniform, CeCe in the clothes she died in. I felt my eyes prick with tears, this was so wrong. They were both dead.

"I thought you loved me, Clare. But you let me die!" Eli said, I choked on a sob, watching him glare at me coldly.

"I do love you! With all my heart! I never stopped!" I cried helplessly, wanting to run into his arms.

"Why did you let me kill myself?" CeCe snapped, her glare just as cold as Eli's.

"I tried to help you, to save you. But you wouldn't let me!" I wailed, the tears falling from my eyes quickly.

"If you cared for either of us, you would have done something. But you didn't. You betrayed me, the man you love! The man that loves you!" Eli hollered, and my chest ached at his words. "You let me die!"

A gun went off, echoing in the infinite space around us. Eli's emerald eyes went wide and he glanced down at his chest, the clothe darkening and I gasped. His gaze went up to me, then down, and I looked down as well to see a gun in my hands.

I tried to drop it, but my arm stayed up. My hand trembled, before pulling the trigger again, another shot to his chest, then another. I cried and grabbed my arm with my free hand. But it didn't budge. Instead it moved over to CeCe, pointed directly to her head.

"No!" I cried as the gun went off again, the blast waking me up.

I bolted up in bed, breathing erratically, looking around my room. In despair, I placed my hands on my face and wept. It was my entire fault. Everything.


	6. AN: Should I continue?

_So I got one review :'( that's pretty pathetic if my story can only get one review. So, if I don't get at least twenty-five, then I'll delete this story._

_Because I guess nobody likes it._


	7. In Memory

_So thanks for all the reviews, I just wish I didn't have to threaten you to get them._

_Maybe this time you guys will review?_

_By the way, I have a twitter, well I had one, never used it._

_Follow me; crissykittykat_

_Thanks, and now enjoy :)_

* * *

The funeral would be held two weeks from today, on a Sunday; I was the one appointed to take care of their belongings, the house, and the funeral arrangements. They left everything to me, since they had no one else besides me. It'd be a conjoined service for both Bullfrog and CeCe.

It was sad, like my life right now. Once Alli caught wind of what happened, she rushed to my house and comforted me. Or tried to. Since Monday, I've been like a zombie. Not that I could help it, in all honesty, I became like CeCe. My will, my life, my spark…it was gone.

After everything that's happened, it's a wonder I'm still going to the school for work. But I promised Wesley. Although the Principal suggested I take time off, since he heard about what happened, I still refused. I couldn't let this get to me, not again. Death would not take over my life again, I couldn't let it.

But my behavior, just the way I was, that bubbly happy girl, was gone. I lost everyone I cared about; my parents abandoned me, as did Darcy. Eli died, Bullfrog passed away, and CeCe killed herself. I was alone, more so than I was before.

The students seemed to notice my lack of attentiveness and my attitude. Some gave me cards, signed by the class, for my loss. But I just left them in the desk drawer at school.

Along with my lackluster attitude, I became impatient with everyone. Students thought twice before crossing me, as had the other teachers in this school, their requesting to talk or anything in the teacher's longue stopped. And Alli, she tried her best to get me to open up but I refused.

Then there was K.C., who interrogated Alli until she told him why I haven't talked to him and canceled our date. Almost immediately, he rushed to my house to talk. But I also refused him. I rather just keep to myself now, my feelings were too much of a burden, I wasn't going to pay them mind anymore.

Once I made up my mind with that, which was the night that CeCe killed herself, everything became dull and I lost interest. I graded papers moderately, not really reading them, just seeing if the students did it. I would eat take-out and watched reruns of old shows, spending my nights alone and going through the day like a mindless zombie.

But today, just three days from the funeral, things got progressively worse. K.C. hadn't given up on talking to me, he would text me, call me, even show up at my house unannounced. It was slowly starting to get annoying.

But today, he took it to the next level. I was in English III, blandly grading papers while the students were either reading or working on their next assignment. And there was a knock on the door, Principal Shep opened it and casually peeked his head in.

"Ms. Edwards?" He asked, I snapped my head up and narrowed my eyes.

"Yes?" I replied coolly.

"There's someone who would like to see you." He stated, "I'll watch the class while you talk."

In annoyance, I dropped my pen harshly and stood up, brushing my skirt down and briskly walking towards the door.

I turned my head slightly, glancing at the curious students. "Behave or I'll require you all to write another two thousand word essay on behavior. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am." Was the class' reply.

I stepped out into the hallway to be greeted by none other than K.C. Guthrie. I narrowed my eyes further and prevented myself from snapping.

"What are you _doing_ here?" I hissed, folding my arms in front of me.

"We need to talk; you need to talk. Alli says that ever since Cecelia pass-"

"It's CeCe!"

"Sorry, sorry. Ever since _CeCe_ died, you've been pushing everyone away. You need to talk to someone, whatever you're bottling up needs to be let it out. It's not healthy to keep it in. And if we have to intervene, then we will."

"Just get out of here before I get security. You don't know what you're talking about."

"I do. I know what it's like to lose someone special, someone important. Jenna gave our baby up, granted it was for the best, but it was my own daughter. My own flesh and blood. I know what it' li-"

"No!" I yelled, "You don't. She's still alive, she's still breathing. You know that. But…Eli. He's dead, his heart isn't beating anymore. Neither is Bullfrog's. And CeCe. I lost three people, one of whom I loved more than anything in this world! And another who killed themselves with me right outside the room. Don't act like you know! Because you don't!" I cried, feeling tears starting to form in my eyes, all my emotions running ramped.

"Clare…I…"

"Don't Clare me. Don't bother either. Don't try and pretend you have a clue what I'm feeling right now. Because you don't. You don't know what it's like to have the blood of a loved one on your hands. You can't understand how broken and hurt I feel, or how much it hurts to know that you could've done something to prevent it. Just…don't!"

In the middle of my rant, K.C. had walked towards me, trying to calm me down. But I frantically beat at his chest, yet him being the pro-athlete; he caught my wrists until I broke down and gave up.

"Shh. Shh. It's alright. I've got you, I'm not going anywhere." He whispered as I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

I felt everything I had been bottling in release as I cried, and K.C.'s strong arms held me close, making me safe and secure. I spent a good while, just clutching onto him, crying until my throat went dry and my eyes hurt. All the while, K.C. rocked me and whispered sweet words to me.

Finally, when everything was let out, I loosened my arms and pulled away. Slowly, waiting for my sniffling to stop, I looked up at K.C. and felt my heart squeeze painfully.

Realization had dawned on me, when our eyes met, it finally hit me. Eli was dead, and he would never be coming back. And I'll never find another man like him, ever, not in a thousand different lives. K.C. will never be him, but he is someone I can count on.

Which is why, when the realization hit me, so did our mouths. They met and I never felt more alive in that moment since I last kissed Eli.

He would never be the man who had my heart, but he would do. As wrong as that sounds. But it's the truth. I will never love him like I loved Eli, but I could try. And I will.

Sunday came too quickly for me; I wasn't ready to face the deceased bodies of Cecelia Rosalie and Travis Markus Goldsworthy. But, on that cold February morning, I dressed in my black dress. I stepped into my black heels, put on my black hat and covered myself in my black shawl.

And I stepped out into the cold weather, seeing K.C. waiting for me, leaning against his silver sports car. I kissed his cheek lightly, my expression probably as emotionless as it could be. He opened the car door for me, and I slid in.

K.C. walked around to the driver's side and got in as well, starting the car. The whole ride was quiet, but he grabbed my hand, kissed my knuckles and kept them intertwined until we reached the church.

I had to get there early, so I could get everything settled and ready for when the service actually started. Both bodies arrived before I got there, the lids were closed, which I was thankful for. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Father Greg, who was now almost sixty, was waiting for me, standing near the end of the aisle for me. I smiled faintly at him, a small 'hello' followed and he led me to the table where three pictures stood.

One was CeCe, a gorgeous photograph of her during a summer not too long ago with an engraving of her name on the frame itself. That was on the left side of the table, where a bouquet of yellow roses sat in front. On the right was a picture of a happy Bullfrog with his name engraved in it as well, a bouquet of yellow flowers also sat in front of it.

In the middle was their wedding picture, which had taken place in a cheap church in Ontario. But CeCe looked stunning as ever in a short white dress and Bullfrog was handsome as well in a dull grey suit.

"Have you prepared your speech?" Father Greg asked, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"I did."

"And how many people did you say were coming?"

"Very distant but close relatives from both sides of CeCe and Bullfrog's family. And friends, they had a lot of them…and my parents and another friend of mine."

"Alright, well, unfortunately, I won't be able to perform the ceremonial. My granddaughter is ill and I must take care of her because her parents…well…you know how disappointing people can be. But God shall forgive them. Minister Fitzgerald is going to perform the ceremonial, if that's alright with you?"

Numbly, I nodded, not caring. He nodded and said he'd send a prayer for me. I took K.C.'s hand and looked at him while Father Greg left.

"Thank you." I said, leaning against his arm.

"Anything for you." He said and kissed the top of my head.

"Well, if you could help me with the flowers that need to be put up and lighting the candles, that'd be nice." I gave him a small smile, kissing his cheek again.

"Again, anything for you." He gave me a bright smile, and left me to arrange the flowers around CeCe and Bullfrog's coffins while he left to light the candles.

Tentatively, I lifted both of the lids, looking at each of them. CeCe wore a gorgeous dress that was a deep green, with a black beaded design. The only thing that ruined the beauty of her death, was the gash on the right side of her head. Thankfully, her hair covered most of it. Other than that, she looks like an angel really.

And Bullfrog, he never looked more at peace than now. In death, he even had a faint smirk that rivaled his son's.

"Hey." K.C placed his large hand on my shoulder, somewhat startling me out of my reverie. "Sorry. I just wanted to tell you that people are arriving.

"No. It's alright. Just…you know. Thinking about things."

"Well, let's go greet them," he said and I nodded.

I trailed my hand down the smooth wood of the coffin that Bullfrog laid in, and left to walk with K.C. to the door.

I never thought so many people cared for CeCe and Bullfrog, at the very least, forty people arrived. But its better that so many people had come in honor of them, maybe keep the memory of them alive. Sadly, a few were dressed in very revealing clothes.

Not to be rude, but I think of them as skanky to come to a funeral dressed like a whore. It was rude actually, in my opinion. I tried to hide my distain when I greeted them at the door, even more so when they gave bedroom eyes at K.C..

After I was sure everyone arrived, I went in the back to talk to Minister Fitzgerald. Of course, having been so caught up in my own mind, it never registered whose name Father Greg had said.

"Clare." Fitz said and I felt a shiver go down my spine, I never knew he had become a minister.

"Fitz…" I had never called him back, this seemed somewhat awkward.

"I'm sorry for your loss." He said and I just nodded with a faint 'thank you'.

"So you'll be doing the sermon?" I asked while walking with him to the main part of the church.

"Yes."

"Thank you."

"It's my pleasure." He said and I parted ways with him to sit in the front pews with K.C. and my parents.

I've never cried so much in my life; Fitz had pulled them out of me during his preaching. My mother handed me tissues as I sniffled and slightly sobbed. I wasn't the only one; Alli cried, as did my mother and a good part of the others in the pews.

"Now, Clare Edwards, would you like to speak now?" He asked, and I nodded.

I stood up, grabbing the paper I had written my speech on, and dusted off my dress's skirt. I made my way to the alter, feeling my throat become dry at the thought for everything.

But I cleared it and stood behind it, looking over at the people in the pews, back at the deceased, and down to the paper.

"I…I'd like to thank you, all of you, for coming today. I know that both CeCe and Bullfrog would appreciate it. Right now, they're looking down at us, honored that all of you have come today, to remember them. And that's what you're here for; you may be her to mourn the loss of two very, very brilliant people. But I know they'd rather be cherished and remembered than be mourned over." I said, looking across the crowd of people.

"CeCe, well, I know she wouldn't want you crying, even though you will. If she were here, she'd probably start telling crude jokes just to make you smile. Because that's what she did, she made you smile. And sometimes all it took was one of her own, genuine, smiles to make you smile back. She was always happy and smiling, even through the tough times, the worst times. She always wore a smile."

In the middle of my speech, something caught my eye, I tried to ignore it. But the movement of something covered in black caught my eye again and I stared in the back pews to see someone sitting by themselves.

"Maybe it was Bullfrog that made her smile so much, considering how boisterous and _somewhat_ obnoxious he had been. I remember when CeCe and I had been riding to the store, she turned on the radio and as soon as his voice came on…well you'd never see that woman as happy as when she was with her husband. Or heard him. They were a match made in heaven, and they went there together. To heaven. I think that, when love was as strong as theirs, and one passes, leaving the other alone, CeCe just couldn't take it."

The person in the back was wearing a thick, large black coat and an odd hat. I tried to brush off the eerie feeling that slowly started to form in the pit of my stomach.

"I know how she felt, but my past love wasn't as strong as hers was. It couldn't have. But I know the feeling of losing another. And I hope none of you judge her for doing what she did. Because she experienced one of the hardest things one could. And in memory of her, I'd like you all to smile like she did. Might it be for no reason, or to brighten someone else's day. I know it would make her happy, which is why today, I'm going to smile."

I finished my speech and quickly walked away from the alter to the pews towards K.C. and sat. Both he and my mother grabbed both my hands, and my mother whispered how beautiful it was.

Casually, I looked back, just to see where the dark-clothed man was. But he was gone. The uneasy feeling grew in my stomach and I looked back forward.

K.C. pulled into the cemetery, and I felt my stomach tighten. I never did like them, they always scared me. And also made me sad. As ridiculous as it sounds, just thinking that someone's mother, father, daughter, whoever was dead and their family had to deal with the loss. It was somewhat heartbreaking.

I stepped out of the car, the only other vehicle being two hearses. And, Morty was one of them. I requested it. I really don't think anyone has to ask why.

I wrapped my shawl tighter around me, the wind slightly picking up. K.C. placed his arm around my shoulder to try to warm my chilled body. We proceeded to the burial site; CeCe and Bullfrog would be buried together, sharing the same tombstone.

I looked around; cars were slowly starting to pull in as men set up the caskets to be put in the ground. The thought alone made me feel sadder than I already was. Once the caskets were buried, it would mean they were both really dead. Both really gone.

"K.C.?" I caught his attention by touching his arm.

"Yeah?"

"I'm…gonna go for a walk. To clear my head a little, okay?"

"I'll come with you."

"No. I want to go alone. I'll be back soon, don't worry." I said and kissed him chastely before walking off down the dirt path.

Even though it was a cemetery, I felt at ease. This was what I needed; the crisp air made me alert and cleared my head, no matter how cold it was. And it wasn't as morbid and spooky as I thought it'd be. I don't know why I did, but the first thought that came to mind was creepy and filled with fog – like in monster movies. Which was stupid because in actuality, it was rather nice, even with all the tombstones.

There were a number of trees scattered throughout it, but I could clearly see where everyone was gathering. I looked around, somewhat admiring the grand statues of angels that stood above the dead. I stopped suddenly when a large gust of wind blew at my side, making me stumble into a large statue of Michael. My hat flew off, I chased after it, stumbling quite a bit from my heels not agreeing with the dirt path.

"Damn it," I cursed as I nearly tripped over a particularly large rock.

The wind stopped, as did my hat, which sat now at the base of a large oak tree. It seemed haunting, with its giant branches, bared to the world. I took my time walking to the tree, amazed at the size and the intimidating presence of the tree.

I didn't take my eyes off it as I bent to take my hat, and I stood slowly. When I was about to turn around, a stick snapped and I froze. It was close, like, on the other side of the tree close.

I kept my legs still, but turned my upper body to look back at the tree. "Is anybody there?"

Nothing. No noise, not even the wind, which had stopped abruptly. I repeated myself, still, no answer. So cautiously, I walked around the tree, trying not to make noise.

Eventually, I made it around, and I gasped. Yet again, my body froze, upright and rigid, clutching my hat in my hand.

It…no…It couldn't…it wasn't…

"You're supposed to be dead…"

"I know." For the first time in months, many, many months, I heard his voice.


	8. Ending Always Lead to New Beginnings

"You're supposed to be dead."

"I know."

Everything seemed to stop; the wind, the sound that traveled from the growing crowd around CeCe and Bullfrog's conjoined grave, and my heart. All of it stopped, as soon as the man before opened his mouth and spoke.

He was the same person who had snuck into, and out of, the church during the service. Same thick, black coat, same black hat, same everything. Only this time, I saw his face. And though a long scar made its way from the top of his right brow to his jaw line, she still knew it was him.

In the few seconds that it took to recognize him, all my senses came back to me at once. The noises, my heart, and the sense of the wind sliding across my skin.

My hair whipped into my face, but I paid no mind, I was too busy staring into familiar deep, mossy green eyes.

"Clare…"

Oh how I missed his voice, how he said my name. I wanted to hold him, kiss him, embrace him. I almost did, too. My left foot moved forward, ready to approach my once dead lover.

My heart wouldn't let me, once it started beating again, his words, his disappearance, the pain, the endless months of pain all came to me. But I moved again, long strides, coming towards him with fury in my heart.

_Slap!_

My hand slid across him face, his head turned in the direction that I slapped him. Tears welled in my eyes and I lowered my hand, clenching both fists at my sides while my eyes stayed at the ground.

"How _could_ you?" I hissed, my heart beating painfully fast.

"I am so sorry. I ju-"

"No!" I yelled, raising my head to look him square in the eyes. "Don't apologize. I don't want it. It's too late."

"Clare…please…"

"No! I said don't! Do you know how hard it was for me, after you sent me that letter? After breaking my heart. I thought what K.C. did to me was painful, but that, and now you're back. I don't…how could you? And to come back? After all this time, after leaving alone and wondering what the hell happened to you?" I yelled; my face probably red and my eyes puffy from the on coming tears. "And you thought you felt pain with losing Julia. How do you think I felt? Not knowing whether you were dead or alive. And know that if you were, you willing let me go. And you expected me to forget you, how could I? I loved you, I still love you! Because of you, I spent months depressed and alone, you took your heart back and never returned mine!"

"I wasn't supposed to come back." He said and I stood there rigid with salty, sticky tears pouring from my eyes.

"What?"

"I wasn't supposed to come back! I went on a mission that I wasn't supposed to come back from. I was so close to death, and I rather have you hate me and lose me than love me and lose me." Eli hissed, removing his hat to reveal how bad the scar was. "I got this," he pointed to the scar. "And I wasn't supposed to live but I did. I got back a month ago."

I stayed silent, because I didn't trust my voice. Here was the man I love, and I've never seen him more broken than now. But a small part hated him for what he did to me, and I don't know if I could forgive him for it.

"I went to see you, but when I got to your house I saw you taking all my stuff out of it, and I followed you to where you burned all my belongings. And I thought you moved on. And that night, at the club, I saw you leaving with K.C. and leaving his apartment the next day. You looked…so happy. Then, when you went to CeCe's, I never felt so happy myself, to see you still care about my family after what I did to you. From then on, I decided not to contact you. This…you seeing me was an accident. I knew I shouldn't have come, but it's my parent's _funeral_. I couldn't _not_ come."

"Oh, Eli…"

"I am so sorry, Clare. You can't even understand how…awful and…stupid I feel. I betrayed you, I hurt you, I did the one thing I promised I wouldn't. But I seemed to break all my promises." He kept choking on his words, crying openly in front of me. "I ruined everything, but I'll go now. I won't hurt you anymore."

He turned around, still crying, still broken. And the pain in my chest tightened, watching as he slowly started to walk away from me. His figure got farther, and I felt something inside me snap.

"Wait!" I cried, running frantically towards him.

I stumbled from my heels and eventually I just kicked them off, my pace getting faster as I approached him. Eli turned to face me, his expression heartbreaking. I pushed away the thoughts of his betrayal and ran into his arms.

"Don't leave me, ever again." I mumbled as I buried my face into the crook of his neck.

"Oh god, Clare, I missed you. Everyday. I missed your smile, I missed you scent, I missed you. So…so much." He cried into my shoulder as his arms encircled me.

I dug my nails into his thick coat, pulling him as close to me as possible, taking in the sweet, spicy smell that could only belong to him. I missed him, too. More than I thought I had.

I pulled my head back, to stare into his watery green eyes. Our faces were so close; I could feel his warm breath hit the skin of my cheek. My eyelids drooped and I moved closer, our mouths so close, almost touching.

"Clare?" A familiar voice called my name, and I snapped my head up and around to see a confused K.C. standing with Alli. "Who is that?"

"He's…uh…"

Eli pulled my arms from around him and stepped to the side, taking his hat off again. I heard a sharp, female gasp from Alli and an angry grunt from K.C. which earned a glare from Eli.

"You said you wouldn't talk to her." K.C. growled; I gave Eli a confused look.

"What is he talking about?" I questioned him, looking up at his stony expression.

"I didn't. Not on purpose." He said and I wondered what they were talking about.

"What are you guys talking about?" I asked again, tugging on Eli's arm.

"I…after you left K.C.'s I went to talk to him. Just to make sure he wouldn't hurt you." Eli said and I looked at K.C. sharply.

"You _knew_ Eli was alive! And you didn't tell me!" I screeched, my eyes narrowing and my teeth bearing.

"He told me not to!" He stated defensively.

"I don't…I can't even…You knew, for over two weeks, and you didn't tell me! Go! I can't stand to look at you." I yelled angrily, gripping the sleeve of Eli's jacket harshly.

"Clare! Think rationally. Yes, Eli is back. But that doesn't change that he left you. That he hurt you! Are you really going to pick him over me?" K.C. said angrily, and I felt my resolve falter.

"I…I don't know."

"He hurt you, Clare!" K.C. said.

"So did you!" Eli commented defensively.

"I was there for her, when you abandoned her!"

Eli stayed quiet after that, I glanced up to see a defeated look on his face, "He's right, you know?"

"What?"

"I hurt you, and I could do it again."

"No! Don't say that. Eli…if you leave, you'll hurt me more than you know. Please don't leave me, again."

"But he's right! He's so much better for you. K.C. has money, he has power, he isn't deformed! And he won't hurt you." Eli said and started tugging his arm out of my grip.

"I don't want him! I want you! It's always you," I cried and grabbed the front of his coat, smashing my mouth against his.

Eli's arms wrapped around my back tightly, and I slid mine around his neck, tilting my head to press our mouths closer. His tongue peeked out and I opened my mouth immediately, the warm pink muscle sliding in to play with mine.

I don't know how long we stayed like that, clutching one another, but once we pulled away K.C. had left. Alli was looking away, seemingly awkward. I glanced back at Eli to see a smirk I so desperately missed.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you more." I smiled and kissed him quickly.

"Is there a reason Eli is hiding?" Alli asked, having already questioned us both on the way back.

"Well he can't exactly be here without someone noticing him and freaking out. And, he isn't really fond of crowds." I said, glancing back to see Eli walking behind a nearby tree.

"Oh." She nodded and linked arms. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know honestly…after all this time…I still love him, you know." I said and looked at the waiting crowd.

"Obviously, by the way you two were getting it on over there. I almost left, thinking you were about to get some." She laughed and I nodded.

"I want him to live with me, again," I said. "We have a lot to talk about, but I think that it's going to work out fine."

"Whatever you say, Clarebear. Now, for some serious matters, it's time to bury them. You missed the sermon."

I nodded and tried to find my parents who were standing a few feet away from the ditch. I stepped beside them and grabbed my mother's hand, watching as both CeCe and Bullfrog were lowered into the ground.

I took the two yellow roses my mother was holding and threw one on each casket. I felt tears forming in my eyes again and went back to my parents.

"Good-bye…" I whispered as the workers continuously placed dirt on the deep brown caskets.

_So, this is the end of the story. _

_Buuuuuut…_

_I'm making a sequel :)_

_And possibly, I'll make a story in Eli's POV_


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